March 3

[VISUAL ART] Portrayal of an Artist – Part 3

For the past two days I have been sharing the wacky album cover and music industry satire we created for the defunct website artlick.com (see Part 1 here and Part 2 here). This is the final instalment in that oddball collection. And if you thought some of the other albums were odd, you ain’t seen nothing yet. These go deep into really unusual abstract places, but are among my very favourites of the entire series.


Albums: Futurific;  Neon: The Futurific Remixes
Singles: Once in my past twice in your future; Greener Grass; Eliminate your last thought

 

One afternoon in 2001 we headed out around the financial district to take some suitably esoteric photos of me wearing a beanie hat and some Elvis sunglasses. I remember really loving this photoshoot. The result was the Futurific album which we decided was to appear on a new record label called Electric Son. I imagine this as somewhere between heavy beats driven electronica and jazz. We had been listening a lot to the band Red Snapper during the creation process for these, which I feel are a big influence on them.

As with all popular records, you’re nothing if you don’t have a dance-y remix version of your album. So we went to Times Square one night and captured some remarkable photos in front of the neon lit NYPD outpost there to assemble the makings of this sister album to Futurific.

The singles all followed a similar theme to the Futurific album cover but are lent an added air of poignancy given the events of 9/11 a few weeks later. They now stand as a strange document of that time

The most eerie and unusual one of them all was this single, which we named before the terrorist attacks, but now seem strangely prescient given the subsequent events that unfolded. Another curious element here was the naming of Clune (David Gray’s longtime collaborator and drummer at the time) as a collaborator on the tracks. I was a huge David Gray fan, and we had been to see the band perform many times during this period. We had a huge affection for the charismatic drummer Clune in the band, so we added him in as an unlikely collaborator on these.

The Greener Grass single cover is probably the coolest of them all and might well have deserved an album of its own.

We shot so many great images of the Twin Towers, so we designed a funky foldout CD type inlay to accompany the standard album covers. These are really nicely designed I think and the glorious lines of the towers are so photogenic in these. Masterful work by Dave on the design.


Albums: The Rambler Trilogy – The Rambler; The Return of the Real; Committed to Mediocrity
Singles: Slang; The Myth of Everything; Intermission

This is where we went super oddball and arty, and the results are both beautiful and slightly unnerving. It began with a photoshoot in our old office, where we were packing up to move to downtown Manhattan. So there were loads of empty office spaces, brimming cardboard boxes and a wealth of orange packing labels. Naturally enough I decided to stick them to my head to create a makeshift hat of sorts, and off we went. Given the rather unusual atmosphere and ambience of the photos, we took the album art even further out there as we manipulated the images. We also decided to put this out on yet another record label that we called And Recordings, which somehow felt suitably indie. Additionally, I quite liked the idea that the word “and” is a conjunction and it was somehow connecting radically different phases of the artist’s career

We imagined that the recording artist would forgo his usual name (Kalle Ryan- yes, I find it odd talking about myself in the third person too) and simply become a character called The Rambler and this would be a suite of three concept albums that told a trilogy story from his experimental point of view. Ultimately the idea was a series of records based around language. And if you look closely, the table of ideas has resurfaced as one of the tracks on the first album

Again for this one, we decided to a gatefold centre with a slightly unusual look and feel

The singles all followed in the same mad spirit. There’s something almost Kubrickian about them. Empty spaces. Weird characters.

I love the deliberately computer generated blockiness and cut-n-paste vibe of many of them. Seems fitting for something so artificial and contrived.

This one really looks like some kind of otherworldly painting. For some reason it harkens imagery from the Wim Wenders film Until The End of the World, which I was really taken with at the time. I remember going to see Wim Wenders do a Q&A at a legendary 4 hour version of that very movie around this time ( and it was the only print in existence of the movie) so some of that must have filtered into the influences on this one.


Album: Eventuality of Nothing

I think this one was imagined as an instrumental album along the lines of Brian Eno’s Music for Airports. Dave was also a huge fan of Vangelis and I think some of that was fuel for inspiration too. The record label was again different for this one, Lösch Audio, which seemed to fit with the experiemntal soundtrack vibe. If thie artist was to fully realise his wild ambitions then of course he would release an epic lush instrumental soundtrack


Album: I was just getting into that (b-sides & rarities)
Single: Toasting Paint

Any good artist worth their salt must release a B-sides and unreleased demos record (or his contractual obligation will ensure that the record label releases it). But his artist had to obviously go even bigger and release a double album of demos, and an entire record of cover versions. This is very much a Thin Raft album and the choices of acoustic guitar  cover versions ranged from the possible (Bob Dylan) to impossible (Public Enemy).

Fun fact, this photoshoot was done on the same day as Dr Livingstone I Presume, but we didnt use it till much later. There is also a shoutout my friend Corrie Leane (who created the artwork for the Footsteps in Chalkdust album) who is named as co-songwriter on a few tracks. And all of those particular tracks are references or in jokes between us, although my foggy memory can’t really recall the exact reference points any more.


Album: Midnight at Donington

The metal album.🤘At the time on MTV we were often treated to heavy metal concerts from Castle Donington. So, in my mind that was a connection forged between a place and a genre of music. Which meant that we decided we needed a heavy metal record to capture the artist’s evolving musical development and genre defying proficiency. I think it may have also been inspired in part by Ryan Adams, an artist I adore, who had put out a trash metal record under a different moniker at the time called The Finger.

I think we imagined an epic Stairway to Heaven type track as the closer, and for that we felt we needed to ground it in metal royalty with Kirk Hammett (Metallica) as a guest guitarist on the track. The record label naturally enough had to be suited to the genre, so it came out on Darrk Source, which sounds like something a user on Reddit would call themselves these days.


Album: Zoocoustic

Long before the mighty Ryan Adams made it popular to do a superb cover version of an entire album (have a listen to his Taylor Swift reworking of 1989 – sounds like Bruce Springsteen and The Smiths singing pop songs), I cooked up this acoustic, unplugged tribute to the seminal Zooropa album by U2. A band and an album I adore to this day.The guitar is my Takamine that I still own to this day, and the Zooropa artwork and layour is poached from the original album. I always wondered what this album might actually sound like if it were recorded this way. Over to you Bono…


And that, my friends, is that. Hope you enjoyed this odyssey through my fictional musical back catalogue (Go back and read Part 1 here and Part 2 here). I have a pile of sketches in a notebook of album titles and concepts that we never got around to creating, so I will post those at a later date.

March 2

[VISUAL ART] Portrayal of an Artist – Part 2

Yesterday I shared the first part of a project I created with friends for the now defunct website artlick.com (see part 1 here), where we satirised the music industry through a series of fake album covers entitled Portrayal of an Artist. The back catalogue is absolutely huge, so here is the second part of that look back through the album designs (alongside some thoughts on the accompanying creative process). Hope you find it interesting. Join me now to explore the slightly more esoteric output of my musical back catalogue from an alternate universe…


Albums: French Aphrodisiaque; French Aphrodisiaque (Live in New York)

Conceived as a pair of fusion jazz albums released on the same day (ala the Guns n Roses stunt of releasing Use Your Illusion I & II simultaneously) with the added twist that one was a studio record, and the other a track-for-track live performance of the same record. We had created the artwork for the first album and were pleased with it (it now has echoes of The White Stripes, but I didnt personally discover them till many years later) Then one day we were inspired by a large red cube shaped sculpture down in the NY financial district near our office. Dave took a photo and added the white stripe to it in Photoshop, and a second sleeve was born. We were then torn between the two and stumbled upon the idea of the dual release. I wonder why more bands don’t do exactly this.


Album: Office Politics
Single: 95% of what you do here is utterly useless

 

The punk album. I get the sense I may have been less than enamoured with my job at the time, or certainly was channeling some frustration about it anyway, when we came up with this album (and the exaggerated lyrics printed on the back cover). It began with a photo of my head in a photocopier.

The general concept for this one, as I recall, was to put out a raw, more rough looking punk record, but due to cluelessness and contrivance on the part of the artist, it failed to be in any way punk at all. In fact, a punk rock album centred around working in a generic office, couldn’t be less punk rock really. There was a lot of that kind of commercial “punk” music actually floating around at the time, like Green Day, so I’m sure that inspired it.

The record label was Bourgeoisie Beat, which I still reckon is a cool name, and I still dig the logo. I may be misremembering it now, but I wonder if we also imagined a backstory where this record label was a sub-division of some mega label, and this was their effort to have some kudos and be cool.


Album: Pure Yang

This one came from a photoshoot we did one night in my apartment, where we ordered a ridiculous amount of food from the delicious local Chinese restaurant. If memory serves I was also going through some spiritual quest where I was trying out meditation, and I think my roommate Mike had recommended the ‘I Ching’ to me. So all of those influences are part of this one. The record label, Bass Envy, is possibly my favourite label name, but I have zero recollection of what genre of music the label was supposed to put out. At the time it was undoubtedly crystal clear, but I no longer remember. Isn’t it funny how something matters so intensely in a creative process at the time, but with distance, not only does it matter less, you probably don’t even know why it really mattered in the first place. Having said that, I think all of this meticulous attention to detail that myself and Dave put into every one of these pays off in the final product.


Album: Replenish
Single: Lost your nerve yet?

For some of these records, the album title came first, and then the artwork. And on other occasions a cool or funny photo would provide a spark of an idea and the album would blaze on from there. This was definitely one where the photo came first. Dave and Jenn had been defrosting their fridge and this huge chunk of ice had fallen out. We knew instantly that we had to take a photo of some kind with it. When we discovered that the camera had a multiple photo burst feature on it , the idea clicked into place to photograph me breaking it over my head (anything for art, of course!). Now, a reminder that the camera was a super early digital device with a 3.5″ floppy disk recording the images, so it was sloooooooooow. Hence, only the first two photos really captured the moment, and we certainly couldnt go for a second take. But on reflection, the negative space of the subsequent frames was actually kinda cool.

For the single we took a burst shot of my poor forehead that had taken the brunt of the impact of the ice block and had left a little cut. So that had to be documented too of course. And I think we imagined this music to be quite hardcore and abrasive Electronic Dance Music, so it ultimately belonged on the Purification Records label. Our reference point for it musically was a band I never listened to more than one song of called Speedy J (which was more than enough)


Album: Flip you for real
Single: Early Sunday morning

The only album that Dave appears on, and is co-credited as writer and performer. The title came from a line by Benicio Del Toro in The Usual Suspects ( a film we both deeply admired), and it was one we used to jokingly quote at one another often. So it then somehow morphed into us flipping off the camera and turning that into a collaborative album.

And this was our “censored” version of the album cover. We really should have stuck one of those old school Parental Advisory stickers on it.

The record label is Purification Records again, as I’m pretty sure we saw this as an ambient soundscape-y sort of record, maybe even drum-n-bass. In fact, around this time, there was a regular gang of us going to a monthly live drum-n-bass show called Prohibited Beatz hosted by Swiss drummer Jojo Mayer in Manhattan (how pretetnious does that sound!) and that was definitely part of the creative osmosis on this one. I was, and still am, a huge fan of LTJ Bukem, so that may also have been an influence. Either way, the song title “My porch is a ballroom dance floor” ranks up there as possibly the greatest one we came up with.


[Warning – Slightly NSFW]

Album: Se tirer d’affaire, s’en sortir tant bien que mal
Singles: Ne pas, ne jamais, ne rien ; Cannelle

This one was a truly hilarious creation to work on. We figured an artist this enamoured with himself would go full hipster and create an album so pretentious it would be written entirely in French (I am not even sure what it means entirely – Any French speakers out there, please let me know!). To capture that spirit we went for a Jim Morrison-in-a-bathtub-in-Paris photoshoot that showed of my Adonis-like physique (I have to work out to look this bad). In the end I really love the way Dave stitched together the images to make something even more quirky than the originals we shot.

The singles were simply variations on the decadent bathtub theme. The old New York bathroom added a fun flavour to the look and feel of the photos (especially the old school taps in the wall)

Fun fact. This is the same bathroom we took the photos for Replenish in


Album: Continuity in a Box: The Sovereignty Sessions

We envisioned this one as an early years demo tape style release on a renegade label. Or perhaps a session so deliberately bad it would never see the light of day (much like the infamous bang sessions by Van Morrison). To capture that vibe, we made the record look almost like a homemade piece of cover art. At the time there were a lot of live CDs of bands floating around the East Village record shops, and this design was heavily influenced by those DIY creations. Musically I imagined poorly recorded demos with audio quality akin to the first few Mountain Goats records recorded direct to cassette tape on a boombox.


That’s all for now on this phase of the Kalle Ryan album back catalogue. Catch up on Part 1 here. Continue reading in Part 3 here

 

March 1

[VISUAL ART] Portrayal of an Artist – Part 1

I’ve mentioned before that I ran a website called artlick.com with my friends Dave and Jenn. We were fascinated with this burgeoning place called the internet and the opportunities it presented to be creative. We had a keen interest in all artforms, especially writing and graphic design, but with very little experience of how to code, so we just jumped in and started building a site full of our own artistic creations, quirky installations and mad ideas (and we learned along the way). There were bucketloads of interesting projects and creations from the site that I’m hugely proud of, and I will post about them further in the coming year, but I’ll kick off with one of the most fun projects we ever embarked upon – Portrayal of an Artist.

Through my friend Ravi, we had acquired an early digital camera (it had a 3.5 inch floppy disk that you inserted into the side to capture the photos!) – and, for us, it was a great way to creatively play with such a futuristic gadget. One day on our lunch break we took a snap of me goofing around the server room in our workplace, and following a little bit of digital doodling later we had a suitably silly looking album cover.And so, our shared love for music and album cover art spawned an entire section of the site dedicated to this parody and satire of the music industry. The idea was ultimately to make fun of the many different styles of album cover art, and a broader sideswipe at self-important, stupid rockstars who put out an eclectic set of genres of music to reinvent themselves — with all the whims of moving labels; lack of quality control; wildly misjudged titles and lyrics.

Some of the photos are still really funny to me, and some are really beautiful and otherworldly. There are some particularly poignant photos in here of the old World Trade Centre too that proved to be a glorious backdrop to some of the albums. Dave did such a class job with some of these covers – some real gems that would look good on a shelf, and others that still make me laugh out loud. And as I look at them I often daydream about what the songs might actually sound like. I really should record them some day. There are also loads of fake album reviews to go with them, which I will also dig out and share at another time. But for now let me take you through some of the creative process that brought them to the world wide web. The back catalogue is absolutely vast, so I will post a chunk of them here today and share even more tomorrow!


Album: DATABANK
Singles: <ANTON> ; <PUNCHCARD>

The first album came about, as I said above, when we pottered around the servers at our office. The word DATABANK was emblazoned on the original databank itself, so we kept it and figured it would make a good album title. That then sparked the idea to create a couple of singles, which Dave used to hone his burgeoning Photoshop design skills.

I remember us spending huge amounts of time on coming up with the right titles for the songs, so they would fit well with the genre of the album (which we assumed was some kind of electronica). Also, there are little details on there that we added for our own amusement; we thought it would be funny that the album version of Anton was 34 minutes long, but the single was drastically edited in length. We extended the joke but reduced the running time even more preposterously for the Punchcard single.

 

Finally, the name of the record label was incredibly important (for this and subsequent albums) and I seem to recall Dave coming up with this one, saying that it felt right for an electronica record. Can’t argue with him. Even now.


Album: Footsteps in Chalkdust
Single: Walking home in the rain

The next album was a great marrying of old ideas with new ones. I had been playing with the idea of pretentious singer-songwriters and had written a sort of poem with ludicrously earnest titles a few years earlier (and pretentious sample lyrics) . My good friend Corrie Leane, a brilliant artist from Waterford, had designed some cover art for them during a poetry/painting collaboration we undertook a few years previously.

The record label (Thin Raft) was also a shared reference I had with Corrie, which came from a Jim Morrison lyric in The Doors song Texas Radio and The Big Beat– “I love the friends I have gathered together on this thin raft”. It was our shorthand for our friendship and artistic kinship. So it felt fitting given this new arty collaboration with a few close friends.


Album: Was?
Singles: Was! ; Memory III

The chronology of these albums (both real and imagined) is pretty fuzzy after all these years. We created these back in 1999 / 2000 I reckon, and this particular album was an attempt to create a singer songwriter album (hence the Thin Raft record label), where the singer had decided to go ultra pretentious and perform only on a piano. And all the titles had to have slightly avant garde sounding Steve Reich / Philip Glass sorta titles. This would be the type of album where critics would nod and agree that he began his more “experimental” phase, perhaps bridging into his next phase of electronica.

 

As a student and fan of the German language, I suspect I was playing with the word “was” which means “what” in German, and the past tense of the verb ‘to be’ in English. Which probably explains why the album title has a question mark and the single title has an exclamation mark. Or perhaps I wasn’t thinking of any of those things.


Album: Dr. Livingstone I Presume
Singles: Cane Toad Nightmares

This album was one that was sparked by an impromptu photoshoot on our lunch break (I know this because my fake watch from Chinatown says it was almost 1pm). I spotted a large potted plant outside a store on Broadway and thought it would be funny to appear from it as if I were an intrepid explorer. The phrase just jumped out at me from something I was reading at the time. I still love the way Dave layed out the title on the cover, with the old school “A-Team” style lettering.

 

We then thought there would be something inherently funny about having LOADS of singles of the Cane Toad Nightmares, given the propensity of cane toads to reproduce so much.

We also felt that the artwork had to have something of a psychedelic “Apocalypse Now” kind of feel to them. The harsh neon colours were a very deliberate choice as I recall.

Again, this was deemed to be a Purification Records release, so some kind of dancey, electronic vibe to it. I’m pretty sure the inspiration for that record label was Warp Records, as we were listening to a lot of Boards of Canada at the time.

I’m still not sure what on earth a Cane Toad Nightmare is. Maybe Dr. Livingstone will know when I see him.


So, that’s phase one of the Kalle Ryan albums. Oddball treasures for sure. For more dizzy album cover delights, read Part 2 of the musical odyssey here

February 26

[WRITING] The Cathal O’Riain emails to scammers: #4 PATRICK JOSEPH

As mentioned in the posts over the past few days, I have been sharing some electronic correspondence with a number of email scammers as part of a brownbread mixtape show on the theme of the internet. Working deep undercover as Cathal O’Riain, I found some pure comedy gold. Here is the final email exchange with Patrick Joseph, a man who is extremely busy with his investments. Please note: Not a word of these emails has been altered. Enjoy!

See also Email Scammer #1: Glady FaustinoEmail Scammer #2: Carlos KnightEmail Scammer #3: Thomas Cox |

———————————————————————————————–
Mr.Patrick Joseph – Fri, Nov 5, 2010 at 1:01 AM
Greetings From Mr.Patrick Joseph,

Dear Sir/Madam,

Although you might be apprehensive about my email as we have never met before. I am Mr.Patrick Joseph,a Banker, and Head of Operations with (AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK BURKINA FASO)in West Africa,there is the sum of $13.500,000.00 currently in my branch, there were no beneficiary stated concerning these funds which means no one would ever come to claim it.That is why I ask that we work together, I will be pleased to work with you as trusted person and see that the fund is transferred out of my Bank into another Bank Account,Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated Bank account we shall then share it in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you.

If you agree to my business proposal.further details of the transfer will be forwarded to you as soon as i receive your return mail, sending the below information

1. Full name
2: Your private telephone and Fax numbers.
3. Occupations and Nationality.
4. Date Of Birth
5. Present Location.

Hoping to hear from you as soon as possible.
Regards.
Mr.Patrick Joseph


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy – Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 12:02 AM
Hi Patrick Joseph

Did you realise that your last name is also a first name? Very coolAnyway I am interested in working with you. It sounds very profitable.Your name Patrick (your first name) is an Irish name. Are you Irish? I am IrishThe details you require are as follows:
1. Cathal O’Riain
2. I do not have a fax. Sorry man
3. My work is hard to describe. I am a celebrity in Ireland. I do Irish language films for a mature audience. I can assure they are very tasteful and I make a good living. My nationality , as you know from earlier in this email is Irish. Come on Ireland!
4. Date of Birth 20 January 1984
5. Present Location is my gaff in Ireland. What is your present location? Do you have a gaff of your own or are you crashing with mates?

Looking forward to doing business with you!

Cathal O’Riain


Mr.Patrick Joseph – Tue, Dec 7, 2010 at 4:31 AM
Dear Friend,

I have been waiting for you since to alert and inform me that you have
received your Confirmable MASTER CARD, but I did not hear from you
since that time. Thus i had to deposit the CARD with CHRONOPOST
COURIER COMPANY BURKINA FASO, before I traveled out of the country for
a 5 Months Investment Project and I will not come back till end of
April 2011.Due to your inability to help and receive the money I personally chose
your name to have, I contacted an old friend of Mine from Bulgaria and
I am happy to tell you that I succeeded in getting the fund
transferred with the help of this partner from Bulgaria. Right now, I
am in Bulgaria for investment on surgical equipment with my own Share
of the money. Meanwhile, I did not forget your past efforts to assist
though it fails us and as a result, I have small tokens for you as a
remembrance for your past effort and I wrote you someday ago but there
was no reply from you.Because of your unresponsive and consequences upon the approaches of
my flight Schedule with the new partner, I decided to deposit the Card
with chronopost delivering company. Hoping that you will forward your
address to them and receive the Card before now, base on my laid
agreements with the management. but i was so surprise today in regards
to the message i receive from Chronopost which clearly states that you
have not forwarded your delivering address were they will ship the
card until now.What you have to do now is to contact the CHRONOPOST COURIER COMPANY
BURKINA FASO as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your
package to you because of the expiring date. from the bottom of my
heart, i stored $600, 000, Six Hundred Thousand United State DollarsForward your information to them, I have paid for the delivering Charges.
The only money you will send to the Courier Company to deliver your
MASTER CARD direct to your postal Address in your country is (£225.00
EURO) Two Hundred &TWENTY Five EURO only being Security Keeping Fees
of the Courier Company so far.I would have paid keeping fee too but they said no because they don’t
know when you will contact them and in case of demurrages.

You have to contact the CHRONOPOST COURIER COMPANY BURKINA FASO   now
for the delivery of your MASTER CARD with this information bellow;
Contact Person: Mr. Goodluck Ibe
Email Address.. chronopostcourierc@post.com
website      :  www.chronotrace.com

Finally, make sure that you reconfirm your Postal address and Direct
telephone number to them again to avoid any mistake on the Delivery
and ask them to give you the tracking number to enable you track your
package over there and know when it will get to your address.

Let me repeat again, try to contact them as soon as you receive this
mail to avoid any further delay and remember to pay them their
Security Keeping fee of £225.00 EURO for their immediate action. You
should also let me know through email as soon as you receive your Card
so that we can share the joy after all.

Yours Faithfully,
Mr. Patrick Joseph.


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy – Tue, Dec 7, 2010 at 9:25 AM
This all seems above board. The card looks flawless and real. I LOVE it when cool stuff like this happens to me. Can you tell me what the credit limit is on the card? I need to get a few prezzies for Christmas and was hoping I could stick em on the card. Would I be able to buy a load of stuff with it? Thanks a mill Paddy J!

Cathal


Mr.Patrick Josepm – Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 5:35 AM
You have to contact the CHRONOPOST COURIER COMPANY BURKINA FASO   now
for the delivery of your MASTER CARD with this information bellow;
Contact Person: Mr. Goodluck Ibe
Email Address.. chronopostcour**rc@post.com
website      :  www.chronotrace.com

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy – Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 10:20 AM
I thought your name was cool, but step aside dude. The contact person’s name is “Goodluck Ibe” , that is ridonkulous! What a cool name and so apt.I will contact him, but first tell me why you are giving this to me. Is it a christmas gift?

Cathal


Mr.Patrick Joseph – Thu, Dec 9, 2010 at 3:52 AM
Dear partner how are you?I hope you are very fine with your entire family. If so glory is to
almighty God. I’m happy to inform you about my success in getting
those funds transferred under the cooperation of a new partner.Answer to your question not christmas gift ok,but I kept for your
conversation for all the past efforts and attempts to assist me in
this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time I appreciated it
very much,i didn’t forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me
in transferring those funds i give it you.Finally, remember that I had forwarded instruction to the CHRONOPOST
COURIER COMPANY on your behalf to deliver that MASTER CARD to you, so
feel free to get in touch with her private email the will send the
MASTER CARD for you without any delay.Best Regards,
Mr.Patrick joseph

Mr.Patrick Joseph – Wed, Dec 15, 2010 at 4:35 AM
My dear friend,

I am writing again to inform you that I am no longer happy with your inability to comply with the courier company and receive the Credit Card I mapped out for you.Like I said before, I deposited this card with the company few weeks ago and ask them to convey it to you with the address you provided. Then, I was waiting for you to inform me that you have received the card for quite long but to my greatest surprise; I did not hear fromneither you nor the CHRONOPOST courier company until last week when Iaccess my email here in Bulgaria and I found a message from thecourier company which clearly states that they were unable to locateyour address.As a result of that, I contacted you again and informed you to rewritethe courier company and furnish them with your delivering address so that they can locate your address and come over to deliver it.two things is required from you: I, you have to reconfirm you directdelivering contact address, 2. You have to send the remainingdemurrage fee of £1225.00 all to chronopost as I instructed earlier.I have paid for the delivering fee and it was my intention to pay thekeeping fee too but they refused because they don’t know when you willbe contacting them for the collection and in the case of demurrage. Icould not visit the company again before taken off due to the timefactor and flight scheduled. And where I am presently, it is notpossible for me to send any money, yesterday, I tried to send themoney to Chronopost in Burkina Faso so that they can pay theirsecurity and move on to deliver the card to you but it was quiteembarrassing to notice that Western Union Money Transfer in Bulgariadoes not send money out; they only receive payment.It is not really possible for me to send money from here and I don’t intend to transfer the fee through my joint account with my partnerhere because he was not aware that I mapped out that card for you outof the deal I had with him, he will not be happy with me if he findsout that I made this great recompense to you out of the money we owntogether without his consent. So my dear, if you continue to delay,the demurrages will start counting and also concerning about thevalidation of the card. You have to make everything possible to raisethe demurrage fee of  £225.00 and send to the courier company at mycountry Burkina Faso so that they can do the needful and deliver thecard to youAsk the company to provide you with the Tracking number to enable youdetermine its arrival into your country. You must not waste timebecause the card has until end of Month of DECEMBER to seize from beenvalid. You have to receive and cash the credit before the end ofDecember ok.My dear I have done my part and I was hoping that you must havereceive the Card before now. I am very busy here with my investment, Idon’t have time to access my email always so I want to hear that youhave receive the card soonest so that we can share the joy after all.

Thanks once again
Mr. Patrick Joseph


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy – Wed, Dec 15, 2010 at 9:31 AM
PJ

I am so sorry that you are not happy with me! I dont think I can afford the fee. Can we make some other kind of arrangement? If you know what I mean

cheers
Cathal


Mr.Patrick Joseph – Thu, Dec 16, 2010 at 7:15 AM
I do not know what you mean the kind of arrangement? so about the fee
£2,25.00 try and send it to courier company at my country Burkina Faso
so that they can do the needful and deliver the card to you.I am very busy here with my investment.

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy <thebrownbreadmixtape@gmail.com>

Thu, Dec 16, 2010 at 2:38 PM

Paddy Joe,

I mean perhaps I could send you something else instead of money, like I could make a love connection with you in lieu of cashI dont have any money, but I also write poems. Perhaps I could send you 2250 quids worth of poems? They are good.I hope to hear from you soon

I am very busy here with my poverty.

Cathal

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Patrick Joseph sadly never responded. Obviously he is so busy with his investments he has forgotten to enjoy the finer things in life like lovemaking or poetry. Such a shame. Join me again for another Cathal O’Riain email. One man’s crusade to put a human face on the faceless spam in your inbox.

February 25

[WRITING] The Cathal O’Riain emails to scammers: #3 THOMAS COX

Over the past couple of days I have been sharing some email exchanges I conducted with some email scammers as part of an internet themed bronwbread mixtape. In my guise as Cathal O’Riain, I delved deep into their world and returned triumphant with comedy gold. Here is the third of those email exchanges with Thomas Cox, dispatch officer, cash photographer, country music fan and total ledgebag. Please note, not a word of these emails have been altered (he really did quote all 12 verses of the Bob Dylan song!). Mr Thomas Cox’s crazy colour scheme of the email text has not been changed either. Enjoy!

See also Email Scammer #1: Glady Faustino | Email Scammer #2: Carlos Knight | Email Scammer #4: Patrick Joseph

———————————————————————————————–

SUBJECT LINE: UPS Payment Details For Insurance Fee That Will Keep Your Delivery Safe

Ups Courier Express Delivery <upscourierexpressdeliv#####@gmail.com>
Fri, Nov 19, 2010 at 7:33 AM

Attn: Cathal O Riain,

This is to notify you of a parcel containing a Check worth $5500,000.00  (Five Hundred And FiftyThousand Dollars) issued to us by Mr. Mc Cole and he has paid for the delivery Charges of your package.

Note: You are only responsible for UPS  INSURANCE FEE of $250.99cent , which is included in your deposited check as he has already made payment for the delivery of your package.

Therefore, you are to make payment through Western Union Money Transfer outlet near you to our accounting officer with the details below:

Receiver’s Name: Omoregie Roland, Receiver’s Address: Block 146 Cross Road Ikpebi Victoria Island Lagos Nigeria – Sender’s Name: – Sender’s Address: – Text Question: – Text Answer: – MTCN Number: –

Finally, get back to our office as soon as you have made payment through Western Union or Money Gram with the information of our accounting officer above, also with the MTCN / REFRENCE NUMBER in your payment receipt from Western Union or Money Gram and other necessary details for confirmation to enable us issue you an invoice and a tracking number as well.

I await your urgent response, as I also want to inform you that your parcel is right in my desk ready for delivery.

Tel: +234-703-022-2506
Best Regards,
Mr. Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy

Fri, Nov 19, 2010 at 2:45 PM

Mr Thomas Cox,

Sounds good. Would it be possible to see a photo of the actual cash?

cheers

Cathal

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Ups Courier Express Delivery
Sat, Nov 20, 2010 at 1:45 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content herein understood and noted in our file, your request have been seem, but due to the quality and policy of UPS, we only show you the full image of your parcel, but we can not temper with the opening of your parcel, all parcel such as yours are fully intact and only to be opened by you the owner.

The attached  colum contains the Image of your parcel as requested by you. For Confirmation of your given address by World Bank, kindly fill out the information below …

… Do please make sure that all your informations needed are complete to avoid delay,  you shall make this promptly so that by Monday, your parcel can be delivered to your country.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

Attachment:

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Mon, Nov 22, 2010 at 9:35 AM

Thanks!

I will send you the details later on today once I have met with my bank manager. I must also speak with my wife a little more. She is very suspicious about this transaction. I told her not to worry because I have seen a photo of the package already. My wife is always suspicious because one time she saw me trying to kiss Jenny at the office party. Don’t worry though Tommy I didn’t have it off with her, it was just a bit of an auld feel. Anyway, I will definitely get back to you soon with all of the details you need.

Have a great day my man

Cathal

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Thu, Nov 25, 2010 at 5:00 PM

We write to let you know that we are still waiting for the provision of your contact details to verify it with the one we have in our custody for the delivery of your parcel and to also make the payment of the Insurance Fee which is $250.99cent. The UPS EXPRESS COURIER are delaying all parcel delivery going to your lacation, you are to make prompt communication of the required things we needed to make your delivery a success.

We are waiting you to make these provision so that your track number will be sent to you to monitor every location where your parcel have reached.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 10:18 AM

Yo Tommy,

Sorry about the delay. My pants got caught on this hook thing and tore it. Basically to cut a long story short I dont think I can contact the bank. I think this sounds like an illegal Nigerian scam and you are trying to trick me.

Can you prove to me that you are honest and that I should do this? Do you like Bob Dylan? I have never met a bad person who likes Bob Dylan. Write back to me or the deal is off!

Cathal

————————————————————————————————————————————–

SUBJECT LINE: Affidavit of Claim

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 2:33 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, we would like to use this medium to inform you that your parcel with us is real and intact safe and ready for delivery. but in the mean time. we’ll like to bring to your notice that for proper asurance and true evidence of the genuity of your parcel, we made contact with the World Bank Branch here in Nigeria to relay your curiousity to them and they was oblige to secure you Affidavit of Claim to us for the UPS EXPRESS to mail to you.

Do find the Affidavit of Claim in the attached colum to this mail. we do hope to hear from you with you contact details and your insurance payment fee.

One more thing who is Bob Dylan?.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

Attachment:

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Fri, Nov 26, 2010 at 3:12 PM

Tommy,

I very much respect that you have sent me this affadavit. It seems totally authentic and definitely proves to me that your intentions are honorable. High five dude.

As for your question, who is Bob Dylan. Are you serious? Do you really not know who Bob Dylan is? Did you just arrive in a time machine?

Bob Dylan is basically the greatest songwriter of all time. He wrote pretty much every great song that has ever been sung. He is basically recognised as our modern day equivalent of Shakespeare. He is a musical ninja, a lyrical master, a shaman of the soul , a king of rock and roll. Have you ever heard of Knocking on Heaven’s Door (not the shitty Guns and Roses version) or All Along the Watchtower (Hendrix does a savage version of it) or what about Visions of Johanna, Simple Twist of Fate, Subterranean Homesick Blues, The Lonesome Death of Hattie Carroll, Desolation Row, Isis, Girl from the North Country, Hurricane, Positively 4th Street, Lay Lady Lay, Tombstone Blues, It’s Alright Ma, Idiot Wind or Slow Train Coming? Surely you must know some of those absolutely legendary songs? All of them are AMAZING!

The man is a total ledgebag and basically responsible for most of the great songs that we know in the world. The only other person who comes close is probably Bono. And dont tell me you dont know who Bono is. He is an incredible songwriter and singer with U2 and he has done loads of really good positive shit for Africa. He loves you, so I assume you love him too. If you dont know who I am talking about, its the short Irish guy with sunglasses and he does the peace sign a lot. The last three albums that he recorded with U2 were basically shite, probably because he was busy saving the world and that. I am not blaming you completely, but he definitely took his eye off the ball.

Anyway, I apologies for digressing completely there. I will send you my details in my next email but first you have to promise me that you will listen to the following Bob Dylan albums : Blonde on Blonde ; Highway 61 Revisited ; Blood on the Tracks ; Time Out of Mind (seriously underrated later album , produced by Daniel Lanois, who has also worked with U2 and Bono)

If you have time, take a listen to Achtung Baby and The Joshua Tree by U2. Epic songwriting. Incredible stuff. If you are in the right headspace definitely have a listen to Zooropa and Pop as well. Not for everyone though.

Anyway, get back to me as soon as you have had a listen to those albums. Then we can do the deal. I will send you my contact details and my insurance fee.
You seem cool. Thanks for being a part of my life and sharing in my interests. Talk to you soon duder

Cathal
P.S. I can’t believe that you dont know who Bob Dylan is. You looper!

————————————————————————————————————————————–

SUBJECT LINE: We Wait Your Payment And Your Contact Details

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Mon, Nov 29, 2010 at 6:56 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, we want to let you know that the UPS EXPRESS COURIER SERVICE are all most done with your delivery, so do make the provision of your contact details follow by your Insurance Fee so that we can deliver your parcel this week.

Well for the Artist Bob Dylan this is one of his songs.

Titled: 115th Dreams

I was riding on the Mayflower
When I thought I spied some land
I yelled for Captain Arab
I have yuh understand
Who came running to the deck
Said, “Boys, forget the whale
Look on over yonder
Cut the engines
Change the sail
Haul on the bowline”
We sang that melody
Like all tough sailors do
When they are far away at sea

“I think I’ll call it America”
I said as we hit land
I took a deep breath
I fell down, I could not stand
Captain Arab he started
Writing up some deeds
He said, “Let’s set up a fort
And start buying the place with beads”
Just then this cop comes down the street
Crazy as a loon
He throw us all in jail
For carryin’ harpoons

Ah me I busted out
Don’t even ask me how
I went to get some help
I walked by a Guernsey cow
Who directed me down
To the Bowery slums
Where people carried signs around
Saying, “Ban the bums”
I jumped right into line
Sayin’, “I hope that I’m not late”
When I realized I hadn’t eaten
For five days straight

I went into a restaurant
Lookin’ for the cook
I told them I was the editor
Of a famous etiquette book
The waitress he was handsome
He wore a powder blue cape
I ordered some suzette, I said
“Could you please make that crepe”
Just then the whole kitchen exploded
From boilin’ fat
Food was flying everywhere
And I left without my hat

Now, I didn’t mean to be nosy
But I went into a bank
To get some bail for Arab
And all the boys back in the tank
They asked me for some collateral
And I pulled down my pants
They threw me in the alley
When up comes this girl from France
Who invited me to her house
I went, but she had a friend
Who knocked me out
And robbed my boots
And I was on the street again

Well, I rapped upon a house
With the U.S. flag upon display
I said, “Could you help me out
I got some friends down the way”
The man says, “Get out of here
I’ll tear you limb from limb”
I said, “You know they refused Jesus, too”
He said, “You’re not Him
Get out of here before I break your bones
I ain’t your pop”
I decided to have him arrested
And I went looking for a cop

I ran right outside
And I hopped inside a cab
I went out the other door
This Englishman said, “Fab”
As he saw me leap a hot dog stand
And a chariot that stood
Parked across from a building
Advertising brotherhood
I ran right through the front door
Like a hobo sailor does
But it was just a funeral parlor
And the man asked me who I was

I repeated that my friends
Were all in jail, with a sigh
He gave me his card
He said, “Call me if they die”
I shook his hand and said goodbye
Ran out to the street
When a bowling ball came down the road
And knocked me off my feet
A pay phone was ringing
It just about blew my mind
When I picked it up and said hello
This foot came through the line

Well, by this time I was fed up
At tryin’ to make a stab
At bringin’ back any help
For my friends and Captain Arab
I decided to flip a coin
Like either heads or tails
Would let me know if I should go
Back to ship or back to jail
So I hocked my sailor suit
And I got a coin to flip
It came up tails
It rhymed with sails
So I made it back to the ship

Well, I got back and took
The parkin’ ticket off the mast
I was ripping it to shreds
When this coastguard boat went past
They asked me my name
And I said, “Captain Kidd”
They believed me but
They wanted to know
What exactly that I did
I said for the Pope of Eruke
I was employed
They let me go right away
They were very paranoid

Well, the last I heard of Arab
He was stuck on a whale
That was married to the deputy
Sheriff of the jail
But the funniest thing was
When I was leavin’ the bay
I saw three ships a-sailin’
They were all heading my way
I asked the captain what his name was
And how come he didn’t drive a truck
He said his name was Columbus
I just said, “Good luck”

Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 11:39 AM

Tommy,

My main man! Thats a great Bob Dylan track. LOVE it. Thanks for sharing the lyrics.

What is your favourite musician of all time? Could you recommend some good music for me? I will buy that music when my UPS parcel arrives.

Thanks dude

Cathal

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 12:45 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, we would like to let you know thatyou exspected to contact this office with your full contact details and your payment for your Insurance Fee, so that we can carry out your delivery at once.

Note that failure to make these fee and your details avaliable, your parcel shall be returned to the World Bank branch office here in Nigeria as an Unclaim parcel.

If you love country music do look for all album of my favorite country artist Don Williams.

Do make sure that all afro mentioned fees and contact are provided in your next mail to avoid return.

Do have a nice day

Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 1:42 PM

Tombo

Thanks so much for your response. I really respect your efforts to talk about the finer things in life like music and culture.

I feel like we have learned some great stuff from one another over the course of these emails. In fact I look forward to your email more than anything every day.

I have just listened to Don Williams and I am knocked out. Beautiful gentle country music. I had a listen to his song “You’re my best friend” and it reminds me a lot of my friendship with you Tommy. Together we can discuss all kinds of cool shit, while a package of money (which may or may not be fake) lies unclaimed at your local UPS store. That, dude, is true friendship. It may even be love.

Let me ask you this. If I dont provide the insurance fee and my details and the package goes unclaimed, will you write to someone else or will it stay there forever? Is it possible to do it this way, you send it to me, once I get the cash I will send you the insurance fee and I will throw in a cool 1000 dollars just for you. No questions asked dude.

Let me know if we can come to some sort of arrangement like this. I would hate to think that the money is just sitting there collecting dust.

Talk to you soon “my best friend”

cheers
Cathal

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 3:12 PM

We are in reciept of your mail and the content well noted, it’s better to talk the real facts about your parcel, well it might interest you to know that the UPS is not just a courier company, but it’s a company with high and legitimate company all over Africa and in diasporal, we do not involve in fraudulent practice, but if you are not interested in the delivery of your parcel it shall be returned to the World Bank Head Quater.

Be aware that if you did not pay up your fee maybe we try to convince you, no we are direct and we have policy that covers all of our operation that we carry out.

The reason we ask you to provide your contact details, is to confirm it with the one we have to avoid mistake while delivery. If you know that you do not want to proceeds with your cliam let us know so as to send you a Discliamer Form for security reason.

Do have a nice day.
Best Regards,
Mr.Thomas Cox,
Chief Dispatch Officer (UPS  COURIER EXPRESS).

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 3:37 PM

Coxmeister,

I get the feeling that our friendship has soured and things will never be the same. Are you a bit miffed?

I am not comfortable sending you money and so if that means you dont want to send me the money, then we have reached an impasse. No money no honey!

So what happens now? Do we end this friendship and correspondence? I am sorry that we are not finding mutual ground to agree to make this deal happen, but if you decide we cannot continue, then please know that you will always have a place in my heart and if you want to exchange music tips please feel free to write to me any time you want.

I would strongly recommend you listen to the music of Wilco. Their album “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” is probably the greatest album of the last 20 years. Have a listen to this song and try not to lose your shit completely: Jesus Etc. – Wilco

I look forward to exchanging music tips with you and hopefully sorting out this cash conundrum if you want to be cool about it. If we cant strike a deal, then please make sure you send the money from UPS to the Irish Government instead, they are strapped for a few bob.

Do have a nice day too. Seriously dude.

cheers
Cathal

P.S. I will never forget you

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Ups Courier Express Delivery
Tue, Nov 30, 2010 at 6:29 PM

Thank for the audence you have given, we will do as you have said, but note that this is a company address and if you would love to get in touch with me in person, here is my email address. murp####d@yahoo.com, we can always talk more there and share alot of Music Tips together.

Mr Thomas Cox

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Wed, Dec 1, 2010 at 9:58 AM
The Coxman!

No worries dude. I will be in touch soon on your private email address. Maybe we can be pen friends and discuss music, movies and cool people we have banged!

later bro
Cathal

————————————————————————————————————————————–

2 MONTHS LATER

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Fri, Feb 4, 2011 at 1:50 PM

Hey Thomas Cox

Long time no speak!
I have been thinking about you a lot recently and I realise that I have been a bad friend. I wanted to write to you and see how you are doing.
How are you doing?
I just heard some amazing new music that you’re gonna love.
1. This one is action movie star Dolph Lundgren performing the Elvis classic “A little less conversation”. He also does karate in the video. VERY COOL!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMDXLrTs6Lo
2. This is a song called N17 by The Saw Doctors. One of the greatest Irish bands of all time from a famous mucker town called Tuam. Get ready to have your mind blown!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlRhzRsAHQw
I look forward to hearing what you think about these songs. Please tell me about some of your favourite new music.
Talk to you soon old friend!
Cathal
————————————————————————————————————————————–

murp####d@yahoo.com
Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 12:33 PM
DEAR CathalSORRY I HAVE NOT BEEN AROUND FOR SOME TIME NOW, I WAS FEELING VERY SICK, BUT I AM BACK NOW, I GOT YOUR LAST MAIL THANK YOU VERY MUCH. PLEASE I HAVE SOMETHING I WANT YOU TO HELP ME WITH, DO READ BELOW.TOP OF THE DAY TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, MY NAME IS MR. THOMAS COX FROM NIGERIA.
I NEED YOUR HELP, I HAVE AN ONLINE ACCOUNT WITH A BANK IN ASIA AND I WANT TO TRANSFER MY MONEY TO COUNTRY NIGERIA, BUT DUE TO THE NATURE OF OUR BANKING SYSTEM, THEY CAN NOT MAKE THE TRANSFER DIRECT TO NIGERIA THROUGH BANK TO BANK TRANSFER.THE PROPOSAL IS SIMPLE AND IT REQUIRES YOUR TRUST AND KNOW THAT THIS PROPOSAL DOES NOT REQUIRE ANY OF YOUR FINANCIAL OBLIGATIONS, BUT IT REQUIRES TRUST, YOUR CONFIDENTIALITY.ALLOW ME GO STRAIGHT TO THE POINT ONCE AGAIN BY LETTING YOU KNOW THAT MY BANK IN ASIA WANT TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY TO NIGERIA AND THE BANK I BANK WITH DOES NOT DO DIRECT TRANSFER TO AN ACCOUNT HERE IN NIGERIA BUT THEY CAN ONLY MAKE THE TRANSFER THROUGH ELECTRONIC INTER-SWITCH TRANSFER SYSTEM VIA CREDIT CARDS, THEY ONLY REQUIRES A VISA OR A MASTER CARD. AND WE DO NOT HAVE THAT FACILITIES HERE IN THE COUNTRY.I AGREEDED TO GIVE OUT 10% OF ANY TRANSFER MADE TO YOU IF YOU ARE WILLING TO ACCEPT AND HELP ME IN THIS PROPOSAL AND I BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN DO IT AND THIS IS THE REASON WHY I AM WRITING TO LET YOU KNOW IF YOU WANT TO HELP.DO LET ME KNOW URGENTLY IF YOU WANT TO INVOLVE IN THIS DEAL.REGARDS
MR. THOMAS COX
+2348136622557
————————————————————————————————————————————–
The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 4:52 PM
You’ve changed.
later dude
Cathal O’Riain

————————————————————————————————————————————–

the brownbread mixtape is a free monthly
comedy, poetry & music show
in the Stag’s Head pub in Dublin, Ireland.

Each  show has a theme.
Each act does a performance based on the theme.
We all have loads of fun.
Simple as that.

We can be followed & liked in these places:
YouTube | Facebook | Twitter | Google+

February 24

[WRITING] The Cathal O’Riain emails to scammers : #2 CARLOS KNIGHT

As mentioned yesterday, one of the brownbread mixtape themes was “The Internet” and cleverly disguising myself as Cathal O’Riain, I embarked upon some electronic correspondence with a number of email scammers. The result was pure comedy gold. Here is the second of those email exchanges with the curt, cool and oblivious Carlos Knight – not a word of it has been altered. He clearly has no interest in doing the business after all. What a tease. Enjoy!

See also Email Scammer #1: Glady FaustinoEmail Scammer #3: Thomas Cox  | Email Scammer #4: Patrick Joseph
———————————————————————————————–

RE: I have a question about your business…
Carlos Knight <carlosk@bi********tion.com>
Sun, Oct 31, 2010 at 5:55 AM

Hello,

I was searching online to find a new business and I came across your information.

Can you tell me, are you still involved? If you are, how are things going for you?

Please let me know.

Sincerely,

Carlos Knight


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 2, 2010 at 10:23 AM

Dear Carlos,

Not only are we still involved, we do “the business” every day!

Are you interested in doing the business with us?

Let me know what your interests are and we can explore things further.

Cathal O Riain


Carlos Knight
Thu, Nov 4, 2010 at 4:16 PM
Hi Cathal,

Thanks for getting back to me so soon.I just want to make sure your business will plug into my marketing system.

If I’m able to plug it in, then I’ll easily be able to make quite a few sales a week.

In fact, that’s what I am doing with the other programs I’m involved with right now.

Let me check out a few things and I’ll get back to you.

Sincerely,

Carlos Knight


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Fri, Nov 5, 2010 at 10:44 AM
Carlos,

Delighted to hear you might be able to plug us in!

Isn’t that what doing the business is all about after all?

Please do check out a few things and get back to me.

I am eager to start doing the business with you.

Our areas of expertise are in writhing and selling our bodies of work.

I eagerly await your response

Cathal


The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Mon, Nov 15, 2010 at 11:51 PM
Carlos

I just wanted to follow up with you about doing the business.

Any interest?

Cheers,

Cathal

February 23

[WRITING] The Cathal O’Riain emails to scammers: #1 GLADYS FAUSTINO


One month at the brownbread mixtape show our theme of the night was “The Internet” and so, in preparation for the show, I went through the brownbread mixtape email spam folder and embarked upon some electronic correspondence with a number of email scammers (under my cleverly encrypted celtic code name Cathal O’Riain!). The result was beyond my wildest dreams. Pure comedy gold. I read extracts from two or three of these funny email exchanges on the night.  This is the wonderful back-and-forth with the inimitable Gladys Faustino in full – not a single word of it has been altered. It is a story filled with assassination attempts, evil stepmothers, Dublin mechanics, quite a bit of repetition and it ends rather abruptly. No idea why. Hope that you enjoy it! Pass on the link…

See also Email Scammer #2: Carlos Knight | Email Scammer #3 | Email Scammer #4

———————————————————————————————–

SUBJECT LINE: Hello From Gladys
Gladys Faustino <gladysf*****@la**.hu>
Fri, Oct 22, 2010 at 3:23 AM

Hello
Please, I apologize for sending you this sensitive information via e-mail instead of a Certified mail/Post-mail. This is due to the urgency of the information .

I am writing this letter in confidence believing that if it is the wish of God for you to help me, God almighty will bless and reward you abundantly and you would never regret it My name is Gladys Faustino Fudut a 24 years old female from the Republic of Guinea Bissau, the daughter of Late Mr Faustino Fudut Imbali who was Prime Minister of our country from 21 March 2001 to 9 December 2001 and founder of the Manifest Party of the People (PMP) and ran as its presidential candidate in the 19 June 2005 Presidential election, winning 0.52% of the vote. On Friday 5 June 2009, My late father was killed. What led to the cold blood killing is still unclear but I know that my father life was the target. You can read more about my father in the bbc link below.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/8084525.stm

I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my stepmother. She planned to take away all my late father’s treasury and properties from me. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father’s File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$ 4.2 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin.
My status according to the local law does not authorize me clear the deposit. However, a trustee who will stand on my behalf will. Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment.

Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will give you details in my next mail after receiving your acceptance mail to help me.

Yours sincerely,
Gladys Faustino.

————————————————————————————————————————————–

The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy <thebrownbreadmixtape (at) gmail.com>
Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 12:05 AM

I accept. Lets do this shit. let me know how I can help

Cathal O’Riain

————————————————————————————————————————————–

Gladys Faustino
Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 8:36 AM

Hello Cathal O’Riain,

Thanks a lot for your quick response.I need your help as my trustee for transferring the money to your bank account for investment project. As I told you in my earlier mail that presently, I am staying in the mission in Burkina Faso and I haven’t a personal telephone to be reached but if you wish to speak with me on phone,you can reach me through the office telephone number of the Maison de Dieu co-ordinator. His name is Reverend Father Daniel Leo and his office telephone number is 78665273. If you call tell him that you want to speak with Gladys Faustino

I need you to represent me and transfer the money into your bank account. I wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but am afraid that she will not release the money to me because after the death of my parent she and my uncle arrange secretly and sold my father’s estate in Monaco. They shared the money among themselves and ever then they have been maltreating me and even made arrangement to assassinate me because of the demand for my share of the money from the sales of the hotel. I am lonely here in pains, hunger and Suffering sustaining myself by God grace as I have no cash at hand presently. All my hope depends on the deposite with the bank in which my future lies.

Please send me your full contact information which include: Name -Contact address -Telephone numbers to be reached – Your age  – Your Occupation  – Marital Status  – Your Nationality – Your photos to see you:

As soon as I receive the above details, I will notify the bank about you as my trustee/representative. After you receive the money in your bank account you will send some amount to me to process my traveling documents which I will use to come and settle in your country and further my academic studies.

Thanks a lot in anticipation of your quick reply.
Yours truly,
Gladys Faustino.

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Wed, Nov 17, 2010 at 9:33 AM

Ok cool, no problem I would be happy to sort this out for you.

But before I give you all of my details I need to know if I can trust you.

Can you answer some of my questions first

1. You said your father had an estate in Monaco. Who is your father, is he a Count or powerful Lord?

2. Tell me a little bit about Burkina Faso, is it a cool place? It sounds dangerous with assassins and evil stepmothers.

3. Do you know how much money we are talking about here? My car is banjaxed at the moment so I was hoping it would be enough to get Gerry , my mechanic in Kimmage, to fix it. Will it be more than 423 EURO?

4. Can you tell me what you would like to study when you come to settle in my country? I should warn you, our country is full of gangsters and our financial situation is very shit.

5. What is your favourite music?

I look forward to your responses and to conducting this business with you

Cathal

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Gladys Faustino
Sat, Nov 20, 2010 at 8:34 AM

Dear Cathal,

I have received your mail.
Ok cool, no problem I would be happy to sort this out for you.
Thanks for your acceptance to happily help me
But before I give you all of my details I need to know if I can trust you.
Yes you should trust me as i fully trust in you.
Can you answer some of my questions first
Yes I will answer all your questions
1. You said your father had an estate in Monaco. Who is your father, is he a Count or powerful Lord?
Ans: Yes my father had an estate in Fontvieille Marina, Monaco which my wicked stepmother sold to a french man. My father name is Late Mr Faustino Fudut Imbali who was a Guinea-Bissau great politician and was Prime Minister of our country from 21 March 2001 to 9 December 2001 and also the founder of the Manifest Party of the People (PMP) and ran as its presidential candidate in the 19 June 2005 Presidential election.
2. Tell me a little bit about Burkina Faso, is it a cool place? It sounds dangerous with assassins and evil stepmothers.
Ans: Burkina Faso is one of the country in West African Coast region. Yes is a cool and peaceful place where laws are been maintained. No my evil stepmother up till date do not know my where about.
3. Do you know how much money we are talking about here? My car is banjaxed at the moment so I was hoping it would be enough to get Gerry, my mechanic in Kimmage, to fix it. Will it be more than 423 EURO?
Ans: Yes I know the deposited the sum in the bank is US$ 4.2 Million that is what will be transfered to your bank account. I map out 10% to cover the expenses while 25% is your commision for helping me bringing it to 35% which you will deduct as soon as you receive the money in your bank account.
4. Can you tell me what you would like to study when you come to settle in my country? I should warn you, our country is full of gangsters and our financial situation is very shit.
Ans: I will continue with my studies in business management. You will be there to guild me and direct me.
5. What is your favourite music?
Ans: Blues, cool music and gospel

I look forward to your responses and to conducting this business with you
Those are my response and I will be waiting for you to send me your your full contact information and Your photos to see you:

So that I will give you the contact of the bank. You will contact the bank as my trustee and ask them the procedures of transferring the money to your bank account. God bless you and I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours truly,,
Gladys.

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Mon, Nov 22, 2010 at 10:12 AM

Gladys!

You are so cool. Thanks for answering all of my questions. I feel like I can trust you with anything now.

So, your father was Prime Minister! BOOM! That’s amazing. Your evil stepmother sounds like a complete bitch. I cant believe your dad ever married her.

Do you know who Bertie Ahern is? I bet your dad might have met him in his global political dealings. Check your house for brown envelopes marked with a Drumcondra postal stamp. They will be from Bertie. They are his trademark.

Sorry, I got very emotional there because my family lost so much during the troubled economic times here too. We have been through a difficult series of decades with a group of incompetent evil cute hoors called Fianna Fail (much more evil than your stepmother!) who stole from the poor and rezoned land for the rich and their friends in the banks and all of the property developers. The people of my country are basically taking it up the gikker because of all of the governments cheating, lying and mismanaging. I have no money left now and this email from you was like a message from heaven saying there are legitimiate random electronic mail based ways to make millions for doing nothing. I feel guilty because I am human but I also feel powerful like a Fianna Fail minister.

Here are my details that you requested: Your full name: Cathal O Riain ; Contact address: P.O. Box 1916, GPO, O’Connell Street, Dublin 2 ; age: 36 ; Occupation: Socialite ; Marital Status: Married (Three times!) ; Nationality Irish (Come on Ireland!) ; Your photos to see you: I have attached a photo of me and some friends at a party. I am wearing the green jumper. I dont have any good photos on this computer. I will send you a better one next time.

I look forward to hearing from you and getting the money, as well as meeting you and having more conversations. When you study business studies here, will you help me to invest all of this money?

Much love
Cathal

P.S. I like cool music too!

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Gladys Faustino
Tue, Nov 23, 2010 at 8:32 AM

Dear Cathal O Riain,
I am very happy to receive your information data and your photo which you sent to me.
The reason why I asked you to be my trustee is because on my arrival to Burkina Faso, I went to clear the money from the bank but the Director operations, told me that as a refugee, my status is not authorized by the local law to clear the money or make transfer of the money to an account. I have suffered a lot in the hands of my stepmother just because of the selfish tradition of ours which they have stood firmly and lay claim on my father estate. This money means so much for me because is the only inheritance from my Mother. I  want peace, unity and harmony to settle in life and  have rest of mind so that I will forget and stop thinking so much about my late dearly and lovely parents.

Now, I want you to contact the bank as my trustee and ask them to give you the procedures of transferring the money into your account for investment.  Also, after the money have been transferred to your account, I will like to relocate to your country where I intend to spend all the rest of my life.

The account number and contact information of the bank are given below: Reseau des Caisses Populaires du Burkina (RCPB) Avenue du Dr. Kwamé N’Krumah 5382 Ouagadougou 01Burkina Faso A/c no: 334685458  Routing no: 5100113  Amount: 4.2 Million USD Depositor:  Mr. Faustino Fudut Imbali Next of kin: Gladys Faustino Fudut The contact person is Mr. Allison Dabité. He is the Director, Operations and Foreign Remittance department of the Bank. He can be reach at the Telephone number: 50 47 60 29 / 76 16 42 58. Email is: a.dabite@***bf.com

Please do maintain absolute secret and confidential on this transaction as I don’t want my stepmother to know my present location.
Thanks and hope to hear from you soon.
Yours truly,
Gladys Faustino

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Tue, Nov 23, 2010 at 10:53 AM

Gladys,

Thanks for your response. I am excited to get all of this cash.

I will contact the bank as soon as possible, but ironically my phone has run out of credit and I have no yoyos to top it up. I will try to borrow some money or a phone off my mate Badger, but he is on the dole, so it might be hard to get a hold of him on account of all the cider he drinks.

I will get in touch as soon as I can. Dont worry, everything will be grand.
Cathal

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Gladys Faustino
Wed, Nov 24, 2010 at 7:48 AM

Dear Cathal,
I have received your mail.

You can contact the bank through mail. The contact person is Mr. Allison Dabité. He is the Director, Operations and Foreign Remittance department of the Bank. He can be reach at a.dabite@***bf.com
Please do maintain absolute secret and confidential on this transaction as I don’t want my stepmother to know my present location.

Thanks and hope to hear from you soon.
Yours truly,

Gladys Faustino.

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The Brownbread Mixtape Murphy
Wed, Nov 24, 2010 at 9:30 AM

To: a.dabite@****bf.com
Cc: gladysfaustino <gladysfaus***o@****.hu>

Hello Allison Dabite

Gladys Faustino said I should contact you about sorting all this money she wants to launder through me. Whats the next step here dude?

Dont worry I am very discreet and totally cool about this.

Talk to me chief

Cathal

P.S. Your name is a girl’s name in Ireland.

February 22

[MUSIC / SPOKEN WORD] The Brownbread Mixtape album – the early years

We record every single Brownbread Mixtape, and we have managed to capture some truly magical moments down the years from that room. Nowadays it is easier to share things digitally (even though we have yet to truly share even a fraction of our enormous library of recordings) but back in the day we decided to go relatively old school and create a limited run of CDs of some of those early performances that we could raffle off at our live shows. We enlisted help from New York filmmaker and graphic designer David Bagnall to create unique and supremely cool cover art, and then we pieced together some of our favourite artists from the first run of shows that gave a good snapshot of the music, spoken word and sketch comedy we were showcasing every month. Manyof these artists have gone on to greater things since, which is so briliant to see, but here they are in the cosy surroundings of the Parlour Bar upstairs in The Stag’s Head pub. The result is a moment in time, replete with all the ramblings and imperfections that come with a live performance, as well as the moments of utter magic that we were witness to. In recent years I decided to upload it to bandcamp so others could get a chance to hear the tracks too. There are even a few of my early poems and comedy sketches with The Brownbread Players on there, which have a certain charm to them too. Have a listen and let me know what you think – tell me about your favourite. Enjoy!

February 20

[MUSIC] Alternative Irish National Anthem – My Blood is Boiling For Ireland!

One of the more bizarre things I can list amongst my artistic achievements is award winning songwriter. Here’s the short version of how that came to pass. Back in 2010, our leading newspaper The Irish Times put out a call to write an alternative Irish anthem. It was to be judged by members of the band The Duckworth Lewis Method, as well as Irish rugby international Frankie Sheahan, and then Arts editor Shane Hegarty (who has since gone on to write the superb Darkmouth novel series). I had written half of the song (the simple repeated verse) some years previously during a rowdy, boozy party in my apartment in Queens, New York. When this competition cropped up, I called upon my friend Enda Roche to help me record it. But let me work backwards through the song to capture some of the creative process.

Once in the studio we had the fun idea of adding a primitive Irish language call and response element. So I drew on the simplest phrases from my primary school days:

Conas atá tú? / Tá me go maith [How are you? / I’m well]

An bhfuil tú anseo / Tá me anseo [Are you here? / I am here]

You’ll notice in the second rendition of the chorus, I actually get the call and response wrong and ask in Irish “Cá bhfuil tú?” [Where are you?] and Enda’s brother Kevin, who was assisting on backing vocals, improvised a perplexed sounding response of “Níl fhios agam!” [I don’t know!]. When we listened back to it, it made us really chuckle, and somehow had echoes of a real Irish primary school classroom, so we left it in.

Given that the song could only be 90 seconds long I knew that brevity and sing-along-ability was the key, hence I kept it to an extremely simple structure especially the bombastic foulmouthed verses:

Oh my blood is boiling for Ireland
My blood is boiling for Ireland.
Ireland! Ireland!
Ireland fucking Ireland!
My blood is boiling for Ireland!

The swearing seemed fitting with the Irish vernacular, but knowing that the winning song would air on the national radio station Today FM (on the Ray D’Arcy show) we sensed it might be a good idea to bleep it in some way, so I cooked up the most Irish way to do that – the sound of a sheep baa-ing. It seems mad that we even considered this fact, expecting full well to not win the thing.

The opening Irish language countdown –“A haon, dó, trí, ceathar dhéag . . .” — was a reference to U2’s song Elevation which was out at the time (where Bono counts it in bizarrely as “Unos, dos, tres, catorce” [one two, three, fourteen]. So we thought we would give a nod to that, and have it almost as an Easter egg for U2 fans (of which I am a huge one).

When the Irish Times announced we were the winners I couldn’t quite believe it. I particularly loved Shane Hegarty’s description of it in the Irish Times as “somehow angry, fun and patriotic all at the same time” which described it far better than I ever could have and pretty much made my day. I recall them playing several of the runners up on Ray D’Arcy’s show and I seem to remember D’Arcy being kinda snotty and dismissive of my song, but it didnt matter really, his blood clearly wasn’t boiling for Ireland. I do remember Thomas Lewis from The Duckworth Lewis Method saying he liked it because it sounded like something you’d sing at 3 in the morning.

It has since gone on to be our signature tune at The Brownbread Mixtape and we close every show with it. We ask everyone to rise for the alternative Irish national anthem and it never fails to get a huge reaction. I still love performing it, partly due to the energy it brings to a room, and equally for how utterly ridiculous it is that it won an award.

One of the prizes for winning the competition was time in a Dublin recording studio, where I gathered many of my favourite performers from past Brownbread Mixtape shows to record a sort of gospel reworking of My Blood is Boiling for Ireland that has never seen the light of day. I will dig it out and post it at a later date (along with the other song we recorded that day which was a soul number I had written for the occasion). But for now, crank it up to catorce and shout it with me — COME ON IRELAND!

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February 19

[AUDIO] Skanger Man – An Irish parody of a Werner Herzog film

At my monthly Brownbread Mixtape show I would regularly write radio style comedy sketches to be performed by myself and our resident sketch troupe The Brownbread Players (Gus McDonagh, Eva Bartley and Sean McDonagh). I have been a huge Werner Herzog fan for many moons and something tickled me about trying to do one of his earnest and odd documentary style pieces about inner city Dublin. Gus also did a great Dublin accent and so I wrote it specifically with him in mind for the part. It started to flow pretty quickly as I wrote it, but then something wasn’t fully clicking. Suddenly the Joycean elements popped in my head and it came together really sharpy then. The closing monologue lifted from The Dead by James Joyce really elevated the piece from pure silly parody to something slightly more profound, just like a proper Herzog piece. It was one of the most odd and surprisingly popular sketches we ever did. The original live version can be seen here.

Enda Roche who ran the monthly Brownbread Mixtape show with me was studying audio engineering at the time at Windmill Lane, and decided to do a studio version of it as a project one semester, and so the studio version above was born. The sparse twangy guitar lends a lovely feel to it (and echoes the Herzog film soundtrack to Grizzly Man very nicely), and the sound effects of the chipper give it a nice documentary feel.

The sketch subsequently got incorporated into my award nominated Fringe show The Definitive View with Sneachta Ni Mhurchu, and a slight rewrite made it slightly softer and more empathetic to the skanger character. It had never fully sat right with me that he was an object of pure ridicule of the piece, and in the new version I made him more a victim of the harsh Irish government and society. In that show we had an ethereal piano piece to accompany it, and I felt it lifted the piece even further into a poignant piece about the forgotten faces on our streets.

It is still a piece of writing I am very proud of and it really proved to me that even the most obscure reference points can prove to be hugely popular if framed in a comedic setting, as the audience doesn’t need to know who Herzog is in this case, but if they do, it adds an additional layer. Plus I love doing Werner Herzog impersonations. I think it’s my true artistic calling in life.